‘A lot could happen over a cup of coffee’ goes the slogan of a coffee house in India, and I guess it did :) After years of being subject to nagging from my parents, I decided to get married. Now since I hadn’t been successful in falling in love with anyone and convincing her to marry me, I had to fall back upon the dreaded “arranged marriage”!

Arranged marriage, in India, is for the most part like fishing in or getting fished in, a gold-fish bowl;

Now for those of you who are not clued in, arranged marriage, in India, is for the most part like fishing in or getting fished in, a gold-fish bowl; you are constantly made aware of the boundaries, whether they are societal, cultural, or traditional, and there is no concept of privacy. You aren’t given the luxury of getting to know a person, through repeated meetings. Instead, you’ll have to pin your hopes on a few conversations, and only a meeting, or two, before you’ll have to make up your mind, whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her/him, and see if the other person also chooses you, if you were interested in the match. If not, you go through the motions again. Needless to say, I was extremely skeptical of the viability of this whole tightrope act, at least till I met Shruti.

Our story

I found Shruti on a popular Indian matrimony portal; after a couple of initial “I’m interested in your profile” messages, there was a long and slightly disconcerting period of quiescence, which had me wondering whether I’d heard the last from her. Then, a couple of months later, when I was in India to take part in a bicycle ride called ‘Bliss in the Hills’, I decided I’d give her one last call, to try and find out if she was still interested at all. When Shruti answered and realized it was me, she was noticeably embarrassed for not having responded to my messages at all, but once we got over that, we seemed to get along quite well, and set up a “not date” over coffee, before I left for Sweden.

We’d spoken a lot more over phone, before we met, but when we did meet, we both felt very at ease with each other. I told her about my life, what I thought of marriage, and how life might be, with me. I told her, without any embellishing, what I could and couldn’t promise, and felt that she connected. I dropped her off where she lived, and returned home. I was pretty convinced I’d be happy with her, and wanted to know how she felt, and called her.

Without beating around the bush, I asked her: “Shruti, will you marry me?”

Without beating around the bush, I asked her: “Shruti, will you marry me?” Her reply came, without any hesitation, or even a discernible pause; “Yes”. I knew then that my hunt for a partner was over. We both were no strangers to pressure to marry, but now, we had to convince our astonished parents that we were really sure about our decision to marry! It was both ironic and a tad funny, but we overcame several hurdles that came our way.

Hurdles

The first of the hurdles was in convincing the elders, of the need to register our marriage without further delay, to commence paperwork for her residence permit. The elders were adamant that they needed a lot more time to organize a traditional wedding ceremony, so we agreed on a compromise; we’d have a low-key marriage, and duly register it legally, and we’d have a more traditional marriage at a later date, in which more guests could participate. Arranged marriages in India also mean that families on both the groom’s and the bride’s relatives really need to work together, to make things happen. It’s not uncommon for unions to come undone, even before making it to the altar, due to misunderstandings or altercations involving the families, so both Shruti and I had our fingers crossed, and our share of fires to put out, before things could shape up.

The wedding date

The traditional wedding ceremony was scheduled to take place on 30th July, 2017, with several rituals taking place the previous day.

Last minute shopping for clothes!

Shruti and I had decided to go for a North Indian styled ensemble (lehenga/sherwani) for the reception, and while she’d done all her shopping well before the event, I was only going to arrive in India a couple of days before the wedding, with not enough time to get any clothes stitched. This meant that I’d have to get everything ready-made, and altered to fit me, before the big day. My sister drove me around town, and helped me to get everything on my shopping list, and ensured I didn’t lose my mind in Bangalore’s maddening traffic chaos.

Chapprada Pooje, Devara Samaradhane

28th July dawned on us, and the three days of near non-stop activities started. My parents and I performed ‘Chapprada Pooje’, prayers offered to the auspicious plantain fronds installed at our doorway, and proceeded to my uncle’s, where many more rituals were conducted.

If there was one person who was chiefly responsible for the two day festivities going off without a hitch, it was my aunt, Malini Srinath; she really held everything in place, and saw that everything was executed with military precision. Thank you so much, aunty!

My ajji (maternal grandmother) watches over.

The ‘Mangalsutra’ was strung.

In the meanwhile, Shruti and her family members had arrived at the wedding hall, where they were also carrying out rituals.

Varapooje

In the evening of the 29th of July, my family members and I made it to the wedding hall, where we were accorded a traditional welcome, by Shruti’s family members.

And my mother welcomed Shruti.

After a few more rituals, our wedding photographers got us to strike some poses, before we were done for the day.

The big day

The big day started real early. We rose just after half past five, and proceeded to the wedding hall after our morning ablutions. The first of the day’s rituals started with Naandi, where prayers are offered to one’s ancestors, and their blessings sought.

Shruti, in the meanwhile, was busy with Gowri Pooje, where she prays to Goddess Gowri aka Parvati, wife of Lord Shiva, to bless her with a good husband.

After the Naandi, I proceeded to perform the Kaashi Yaatre. A traditional Hindu wedding is full of memorable rituals which have roots running deep into mythology, mysticism, and tradition. Kaashi Yaatre marks the end of the Brahmacharyaashrama (bachelorhood and celibacy), and the beginning of Grishasthaashrama (married life). The groom is supposedly in a state of detachedness, where he contemplates giving up all ties to society, to go away as mendicant, when the father of the bride intervenes and convinces the groom to instead get married, and settle into a life of peace, prosperity, and marital bliss, with his daughter.

After the bridegroom agrees to abandon (or at least postpone) his plans of leading a detached life as an ascetic, the father of the bride (the grandfather, here) washes the feet of the bridegroom and leads him inside, where the bride is still praying to Goddess Parvati.

The bride is then informed that her prayers have been answered, and that a husband has been chosen for her. She is brought out to meet the bridegroom, by her maternal uncle.

The Mangalasutra is blessed, and kept ready.

Traditionally, a bride and groom are supposed to see each other for the first time, only after the Antara PaTa aka curtain/veil is lowered.

During Brahmacharyaashrama aka bachelorhood, a conscripted Brahmin boy wears a sacred thread comprised of three strings. When one decides to enter wedlock, he takes on a second sacred thread, symbolizing that he now is responsible for both himself and his wife.

The coconut here symbolizes the whole universe, and take on an oath to stay together for life. This is the Hindu ritual that conveys the message of ‘In sickness and in health, for better, for worse..’

Five couples are selected to bless thread called Kankana, which is then worn on the hands, during the next part of the marriage ceremony.

At the auspicious moment, the bridegroom ties the Mangalasutra; this act signifies the culmination of the marriage rituals.

We are now man and wife.

I put on her silver toe-rings, ahead of the Saptapadi.

The Saptapadi or the seven steps, are a continuation of the marriage vows. They go like this:

“Now let us make a vow together. We shall share love, share the same food, share our strengths, share the same tastes. We shall be of one mind, we shall observe the vows together. I shall be the Samaveda, you the Rigveda, I shall be the Upper World, you the Earth; I shall be the Sukhilam, you the Holder - together we shall live and beget children, and other riches; come thou, O sweet-worded girl!

Here, the priest engages us in a light-hearted, but profound ritual, where we have a mock argument, before we are told to resolve our differences and live together in harmony, as we’d have to do time and again, in real-life.

We made it through all of the rituals!

The reception

While the previous day and the entire first half of the day were filled with religious rituals, the evening was purely a social event. While it sounds relaxing, it was anything but! I shook hands with a record number of people, smiled till it hurt, and my feet were killing me too, but the discomfort was only fleeting, and the evening went by, leaving us with memories that we’d cherish for a lifetime.